An early coffee delivery from Bartholemew preceeded Jo’s arrival up the M40. First to be picked up was Cat, who was ready with her rucksack full of Haribo and Yarn, followed by a quick detour east to collect Anne. It was a good job she set off early because those road connections into deepest darkest Norfolk are treacherous. Stopping off in Swaffham, Cat was despatched for another coffee and they finally arrived at Anne’s just before 8. Anne, uncharacteristically wasn’t quite ready as she was still marbling her kitchen worktops. Apparently the stone saw was late arriving and the water coolant was playing up. Sensing her friends’ frustration (mostly Jo muttering and checking her phone every 2 seconds), Anne sighed and gave up, passing her chisel to hubby before grabbing a floppy hat, a raincoat and her Hellraiser bag. By 8.15 the three of them were back on the road to Birmingham to pick up Brum – Jo’s organisation and planning was excellent (well it was when Cat reminded her).
Next up was a complete U turn back down south when they realised they had forgotten Adele and Vicki. By 10am, they still hadn’t reached Caterham and Anne had eaten all the Haribo. Brum kept talking about googly eyes, which completely confused Jo, not helping her concentrate at all.
Having got completely lost in Colchester, the 5 had eventually arrived in Clacton just before lunchtime. Vicki had completely forgotten they were coming and answered the door in her Beetlejuice pyjamas.
A frenzied 15 minutes later while Anne, Cat, Jo, Brum and Adele played ispy in the car park (Adele won). They were ready to be on the road again. Cat couldn’t quite understand how the six of them had managed to fit in Jo’s Renault, but wasn’t about to start arguing with quantum mechanics.
Soon they were on the M11 and arguing about the best way to Liverpool, Brum assured the others that it was best to avoid Birmingham altogether and by 3pm they were in Stoke on Trent. By this time Vicki had crocheted the end of Cat’s Scarf into a kitten and Cat had knitted three socks. Adele and Anne had come up with a magnificent idea for marbled soap and Jo was convinced every pigoeon they passed was Bartholomew.
A text from Lexie at 3.15 querying where the hell they were and that she was hungry was followed by Swearah enquiring if they’d set off yet as she wanted to nip to Lidl for an angle grinder and would then catch the train to Scarborough.
Hanna, having become bored, had caught the bus to Stockport and instantly regretted it once she stepped into the bus station. There were ADG billboards everywhere. She soon distracted herself by designing the next three week’s worth of Social Media posts on her phone until the furious beeping of Cat alerted her to their presence. (Cat wasn’t driving, it was just that Jo’s car’s horn was broken, so Cat had to beep)
Quickly squeezing into the never ending back seat, Hanna had to dislodge 3 crochet hooks from under her posterior and move a soap cutter from the footwell, but they were soon on their way to Scarborough.
They passed the next 2 hours (Jo can drive really fast while keeping to the speed limit) by singing Disney songs, although Adele slept through most of the journey. Lexie was waiting by the castle with Swearah, when they arrived which wasn’t really that helpful, given the parking, but at least Swearah had got down from Durham in good time to avoid them having to negotiate Newcastle at rush hour. Deciding it was too late to head further north without sustenance, they ate fish and chips while paddling in the north sea and listening to the tranquility of the waves lapping the yellow sands and giggling when Adele fell in.
They had this nagging feeling they’d missed someone, but the back of the car was too crowded to notice and soon they were travelling up the A1, with Lexie telling them all about the fucking idiots she encountered on a day to day basis, turning Westwards at Scotch Corner, heading to the Border. Anne and Cat were soon arguing over the map before Vicki pointed out there was a Sat Nav and made them all feel daft. The one thing they could agree upon was that the search for Nessie was going to take them beyond bedtime and they were going to be lucky to make it to Lonn before then, so having reached Stirling, they all checked into Witches Craig Caravan & Camping Park for the night, unloading the tent from the previously unspotted roof box. Between the 8 of them it took 2 hours to erect. It would have been faster where it not for Jo and Lexie having fallen asleep in the car. Finally cramming into the 4 man tent, it was decided that the hunt for Nessie would resume at the reasonable hour of 10am…
It was a flurry of activity this morning as Hanna fresh from her attempts to run a taxi driver over yesterday in her monster truck, had yet another idiot to share with us and we all gathered around the campfire to share the mirth… or the metaphorical virtual campfire as it were. It seems she’s contributing to the world’s single use plastic problem with her disposable resin mermaid tails…
She’s also been asked to provide a quotation for a new customer – and is considering a bit of Dickens, or perhaps a bit of Helen Fielding (West Yorkshire Lass, don’t you know?), “Christ, is that blue soup?”
Bartholemew was very much in demand this morning with coffee flasks being despatched around the country. The Northern run involved a return leg with a box of mint green tea towards West Yorkshire. The poor fella has never been so busy and Jo is now considering investing in a second pigeon.
Adele managed not to eat him this time and sent Barty back to Jo’s with the last of the Caffeinated Savage to keep the theme going.
Anne was back to using Darren’s Chinese translation pen to proof read some Japanese ironing instructions and Cat dropped by to show off her South West Pirates outfit.
Having gotten up ridiculously early, Swearah went to Pirates class to have a nap on the mats and found her boobs most useful. Can’t say I blame her actually, as that’s what I’d do (sleep that is, not finding boobs useful). Mats arrr most definitely for sleeping on 😉
Dave has lent her last fiver to her latest case support so he can make beans on toast for breakfast and has volunteered to row us all to Amsterdam for a city break, following Swearah’s idea for a day out. Brum is booking the hotel and Hanna is packing her gas mask in preparation. Lots of yarn has been ordered for the crossing.
Brum managed to inadvertantly insult Lee, so he’s going to find a way to pay her back…
Trying not to be ungrateful for being given a Volvo, Brum was most perplexed by John’s request for bumper grommets. It was suggested that she might have some in her box of bits… Swearah reckoned ladies don’t keep those sorts of things in their bits, but turns out Brum’s bits are covered in googly eyes. Darren couldn’t look her in the eye after hearing that…. (didn’t know which ones to be fair)
Taking delivery of a mystery bag, it’s looking like bacon-wrapped fish for lunch at Brum’s cafe tomorrow…
Gretna marriage plans had to be put on hold when there weren’t enough Googly eyes left to stick the Volvo’s bumper back on…
Melly is keeping everyone is suspense with her mystery dream visitor which she’s chronicalling in her Dream Journal. I’m now starting to think she’s trying to resurrect Freddie Krueger…
Swearah continues to attract the bot accounts sliding into her DMs. We have informed Elton John… (Lexi doesn’t get it)
In sports news (Yes, I’m still doing this) Ness has been training for the North Scottish Badminton trials and has been polishing her shuttlecock, Jyoti and Clair are taking part in the Coxless pears cider making championships and Mike is teaching Lonn Semaphore…
So, I’m just going to get a little serious here. Group Cake is more than the sum of its parts. When one slice is hurt, the whole cake feels the cut and comes together.
We’re here for everyone and it’s a place for a giggle, for friendship, a vent, and above all for support. The wonderful Adele of Pretty Savage has had her fingers burnt by a nefarious business guru and came to the group for advice, for assurance that she wasn’t being unreasonable, and above all, for support. That’s what we’re here for, not just an automatic not-looking retweet (Lovely!)
Despite Swearah offering to go postal on her ass, the sentiment was sincere. We are all here for you. You’re doing a wonderful job of trying to grow your fabulous business and juggle your day job and family life on top of it. Most of us are in the same situation and really emphasise with you. Some days we feel like crying too, but you are never alone. We’re always here and despite Darren’s assertions that we’re all c***s, we’re really not 🙂
You have the love and support of an absolutely amazing small business community, hampered only by geography (still don’t know what an ox-bow lake is)
So no matter whether you want inspiration for a new name for wax melts, a request for testimonials or reassurance that you’re doing it right, we’ll always be here.
You know that when she’s sobbing into her Special Brew in that stinking underpass, you will be smiling with the satisfaction of knowing you made it without her, and that you have CAKE…
Swearah’s exciting Weather Machine purchase from the middle Isle at Lidl appears to have developed a fault, causing the sun to turn to rain. After spending an hour looking for the receipt, she planned on taking it back for a refund.
In Norfolk, however, Anne was experiencing some fabulous sunshine and has invited us all over for Scones. This of course will be after she’s cycled over to her mum’s to pick up some curtains to be translated into Japanese…
Cat was having a day off from making coffee for other people and instead is making her own coffee soup to eat whist attempting to rebuild the alpaca website. She’s planning on adding the soup to the cafe menu tomorrow… Joining many other people, she has taken the step of closing her Etsy Shop and is now going it alone, selling creative cats on her own website. She’s only got the one, so we’re not sure what happens when she sells it…
In Sewing news, Swearah had a motivational start to the day deciding to Work From Bed™. Unfortunately plans to launch her brand new Shopify site took a further delay as she sewed herself to her duvet and almost missed #elevenseshour. Having unpicked herself from the bedding, she’s now taken herself on a date with herself to watch absolutely everything at the cinema. She’s going to be back with us hopefully some time in June…
Speaking of Elevenses, Hanna made a welcome return to host and was inundated with chat. None of it made sense of course, because #TeamCake, and she’s still replying back to the hashtag even as I type.
PE Kits have been issued to all Cake members after SarahX highlighted that she wasn’t the only one who didn’t have one. This of course led to a flurry of excuse notes to teacher. Apparently Swearah’s head has fallen off and SarahX has grown an extra three legs. Vicki is currently making Dean write the next three months’ worth of excuse notes.
Brum has filled her house with kittens and puppies and can no longer bake quick enough. She says they’re not all staying….
Jo, fresh from the hilarious experience of LiveTweeting Eurovision is away writing her first novel. It’s set in the the world of Cactus Painting in Oxford, using her everyday insights into this niche area and her constant struggle with the demands of a fun-seeking toddler. Today sees her attempting to write whilst swimming.
Having been exasperated whilst trying to update her website, Adele has baked herself into a person-sized cake from a recipe sent by Mike and has spent the rest of the afternoon eating her way out of it. Following her argument with her Eatsy Auditor, Group Cake were ready with the Pitchforks, or would have been had Lee not left them in Stockport. Darren is currently on the phone to a rake rental firm..
Ness has made a welcome return to the Cult and has replaced Billy Duffy as lead guitarist. Recording starts next week.
In late news -turns out everyone is FILTHY! (according the the carbon footprint webscanner anyway…)
In short-lived Cake career, SarahX suggested we added the Spanish Transit Fetishist which resulted in an hour long debate over whether we should keep her or not… Was lovely knowing you… 🙂
Having gone to bed burying his head in the sand over a panicked Etsy order, Lee has now gone back in time to 1856 and found his password and hence, listing, being relieved he put in a sensible lead time. Past Lee seems to have been uncharacteristically sensible, which present Lee is very surprised, but grateful for…
Anne, before heading off to proofread the latest screenplay for Friday 13th Part 13, announced that she would be dressing up as a Christmas Pixie to deliver Christmas lunch to her best friend who’s just come back from a round the world trip to Prestatyn and is going to help her count dandelions in Great Yarmouth. We await photographs…
Running by in a flurry of frenziedly scheduled #EarlyBuzz posts, Jo threw a quick hello at the group, landing on Cat, who had to wipe it out of her eyes, before flying through the door and knocking the postman over. She was still running at 300mph in the opposite direction to the bus stop…
Cat was very much looking forward to an exceptionally busy day at the Llama Kharmeleon Cafe (funny name for an Alpaca farm), excited to be making every known coffee under the sun. SarahX has given her the recipe to a Double Banana Mocha Flat White which she is going to start putting on the blackboard. She also has plans for a crochet lesson based upon the idea and has additionally been inspired to make a new flavour of yarn dye…
Melly is planning to take a small break from Social Media while she updates her dream journal following a mysterious visitor in her slumbers last night – we suspect it has something to do with Dragons Den and the Cloud Fans…
Following the stress of yesterday’s Pilates Starfish episode, Swearah is taking it easy today in preparation for her probationary shift at Vicki’s Dungeon™ tomorrow. Not to be thrown in too deeply, she is going to be starting with the feather dusters.
Mike has had to head back north to feed Lonn, after the French Submarines failed to turn up for the third day running, so the tunnelling duties have been left to Darren, who is kindly taking over from Dean (to protect his hands). Now behind schedule, Darren is madly manifesting an extra pair of hands to manage the workload.
Adele has been requesting videos to use on her website but has had to sadly reject most of them… not really what her business coach had in mind, Darren. Helpful those were not… Might be handy for a side project though…
Faced with a dilemma on rising prices, SarahX was convinced by Darren that a price rise of 25% across the board was not unreasonable , as long as the hands were still in the photographs. In a shocking revelation it has been made clear that SarahX does not wear gloves to pack orders and Darren had to have a lie down (but not before agreeing to buy all of Lee’s remaining Scarecrows following an intense hand-off).
For some reason, Wuthering Heights appears to be the earworm for today. I wonder why?…
Absence permission slips (#possiblypeas) have been accepted from Vicki, Hanna, Brum and Ness and in all seriousness here, we miss and love you guys and hope you’re all doing ok. Care parcels of cake (or penguins) are in the post.
Cat woke up this morning and hissed at her reflection, causing Anne to glance up from her cup of coffee in surprise. The hissy French sophisticat muttered something about CCTV and then went off to post about the launch of her new Citrus Owl pattern.
Shaking her head in bemusement, Anne finished her coffee, wished her fellow cakies a pleasant day and went off to proof read a new novel set in 2020s England about a handsome young University and his romance with a coping stone.
Jo late for a horrendous day at work, cursing the bus to hell and back has bought 15 old Routemasters from ebay and is busy setting up her own bus company. Interested applicants for a variety of new positions can apply via her website…
Jyoti tried to persuade the yarnies in the group to make a pair of woolen pants for someone, but she was a little vague about the intended recipient…
Swearah with all the motivation of a wind up car left unwound for three years, stuffed to the bottom of the toybox, was determined this week, not to injure herself at Pilates, and found the best way (apart from not going) was to strap herself down with bandages and climb into a full lycra body suit. The only problem then was the lack of movement and she had to be carried through the door like some bizarre brightly coloured starfish… but the promise of a new position as Second Whip at Vicki’s Dungeon™, having turned down the allure of Swing Pushes and Jam Roly Poly, kept the motivation going.
Its been a day for business enterprise with Mike, inspired by Lonn, setting up a lamp post cleaning service. Having realised that lamp posts essentially get washed by the rain, he’s now just sitting back watching the money roll in. Or at least that’s the plan. So far, only Essex Eileen has signed up…
Melly has also submitted plans for a set of giant turbines just off the coast of Rosslare, to blow the rain clouds back to England and keep the blue skies of the Emerald Isle pristine. This comes off the back of the failed “Roof over Eire” plan. A lack of long ladders and a scaffolding plank shortage at McMahons’ Builders Merchants put paid to that one…
Brum has gone missing #possiblypeas and our forts and prairies are with her.
In more Vicki’s Dungeon™ news – sounds of hammering and strange grinding noises have been attibuted to plans to extend. Crochoap® development has been put on hold as Dean, Darren and Mike have been on hand to work on knocking through to next door’s basement to accommodate an extra 4 dungeons. Vicki assures us the water leak is temporary and has, for the time-being, been plugged by 300 skeins of unused yarn.
Sports News now: Nessie has been approached by the All Ireland Hurling Team to be their official Sea Glass Supplier. Ness has yet to respond, having been involved with a week-long Sea Glass stock take…she got up to 899 pieces of green, 976 pieces of clear, 37 blue, 765 no idea and then sneezed, dropped the lot and had to start again.
Adele has been growing a new range of green bath bombs. She currently has 15 seedlings in her mobile greenhouse. Can’t wait to see how they turn out.
SarahX has been out and about today, shouting at people in Welsh and moaning about the lack of Friday.
Following a severe lack of pants this morning, (there’s a running theme here) Lee was inundated with offers of a hand, until Anne realised we weren’t American… A brand new, packet-sealed pair was sent by emergency carrier pigeon…
A lack of milk also prompted Jo to send a second carrier pigeon northwards with the promise of breakfast.
The aforementioned Vicki has won an award for the smallest crochet in the world, having made a really, really tiny hand attached to a really really tiny arm. Crochetting with whisps of gossamer silk and using a pin as a crochet hook, she has temporarily lost the use of her hands and has gone a little crochet blind.
SarahX, has been testing the waters with taking the piss, but apparently the dog beat her to it (or peed in her shoe, innit?) , but that’s what you get for teasing them with Creme eggs.
Brum has been chain smoking chocolate biscuits in preparation for an unexpectedly premature #possiblypeas showdown with her useless boss. Jo, having offered to act as Food Standards Intermediary was unable to be on hand at short notice having been on hold to the Carrier Pigeon Tracking Service to try and get to the bottom of why Lee’s breakfast ended up overshooting and ended up in Scarborough.
The plus side to this is now SarahX is making a bucket load of Rice Krispie Cakes mixed with Marshmallow and formed into handy sized (and shaped treats).
Having now locked Darren (by his own volition) into the last remaining dungeon slot (who is now maniacally dancing hand manifestation dances in the dark, Vicki now has half the admin team handily locked away and is rumoured to be plotting a coup. Suggestions that it has something to do with a Burton-related Loungefly addiction are as yet unfounded.
Adele has been inundated with serious work and made a welcome cameo appearance just before lunch and Anne, after a walk in the rain, was last heard proof reading the Japanese instructions for a hand-held Chinese made translation pen…
Swearah, having switched locations from her bed to the M&S Cafes to gain clarity and focus, has now taken a career path change and is now food blogging – travelling the country sampling the very finest in cheese toasties and Vimto. A handy guide to Toasties, is due to be launched next week…
Melly, having looked at some Irish-themed county flag hearts yesterday is now trying her hand at some unicorn-based craft.
It is believed that Ness, inadvertantly took delivery of 3 tons of Coriander on Monday morning and is now bed-ridden with palpitations. Clair has been dispatched North to hold her hand with a care package (bottle of Gin)
I am definitely NOT going to tell you my first image search for the header image was for ‘Dungeon Mistress’, noooo….
Adele, fresh from a Night Shift packing shower melts (so bound to smell fresh) wearily dropped in this morning to say hi, before collapsing in a Fragrance Oil Coma for the second time in a week.
Darren advertised the Group Transfer Window as being open, and at lunchtime, record signing Sarah joined the Cakies for an undisclosed fee (Yes I know if it’s undisclosed, how could you know it’s a record, but I promised not to mention the hand fetish he has, so he told me) Sarah, joins as spare Sarah #3 in case Brum gets sent to prison on Thursday (Only kidding Sarah, you’re spare Sarah #2)
Talking of Brum, just in case she doesn’t get arrested, she’s applied for the regional Food Standards Authority position that’s just become vacant in Birmingham. If successful she will be trialing a new lizard-based salad freshness system.
Darren, had a bit of a quiet day today after the new signing and there was no mention of his hand fetish again whatsoever.
Lexi Sarah also known as Hybrid Sarah, joins the group from Group Fearsome, where they don’t know about Darren’s penchant for Petite Pedicures, so was most enlightened when Jyoti (Glass Sarah) happened to mention that Darren had a hand fetish.
It’s been a very Sarah-centred day today (not suprising really as we’re all Sarah’s here) as Swearah volunteered to model Hanna’s latest range of crocheted pants. Hanna is taking a very much needed Twitter Break at the moment and in a rare moment of absolute seriousness, can we all say we hope she comes back fully recharged and full of the wit and verve we’ve come to know and love her for.
Cat has offered to supply some hand dyed yarn for the initial trial run.
Anne, having been missing all day, has counted her way out of the nature reserve and is now counting sheep in the next field over. Apparently she got to 24 and then fell asleep.
Jo has been painting sheds in an unprecedented move away from Cacti, just to confuse Lee and is selling them on ebay for £956. Real, full-sized sheds.
Meanwhile, in Promotional Serious Twittering news, Melly ran a competition on the main Twitter feed to win a year’s supply of cake, which Lee (having tied Mike to Lonn) won with his vast experience and knowledge of Irish flags.
Nessie has been painting her nails this afternoon in a bid to get a pay rise from Darren (the hand fetishist) but everyone knows she’s the one that does all the hard work anyway.
Having accidentally locked herself in her own dungeon this morning, Vicki is now crochetting a new range of soap in a brand new endeavour with Dean. Dean has thankfully offered to hand model the new Crochoap for the marketing material, which Darren is very excited about.
So, all in all absolutely no mention of Hand Fetishists.
It’s rare that your column writer features, but today has mostly been pea-related as Lee hijacked the Group Chat with pea-related nonsense (yes I know I’ve used pea-related twice, OK, three times, in the same sentence) in a completely non-admin-sanctioned challenge to try and get the fabulous #possiblypeas hashtag trending…
A massive three people threw themselves into the Challenge: Cat, Swearah and Brum, waking herself up from her day off, bombarding Twitter with post after post of glorious pea-filled amazingness, and the lead for the prize swung back and forth all day.
Vicki, busy beavering away on a top secret new project (so top secret even she doesn’t know what it is) interjected with a spot of seriousness with a lovely photograph of a marbled boat that Anne had sent (she thought she had issues with a flat full of Loungefly, but with an 80’s-style “Bully’s Star Prize” now cluttering the living room, she has a much bigger problem…)
Peas continued to be the theme of the day until Darren came in blowing his own trumpet about the #MHHSABCD hashtag (No I didn’t know he could play either – but turns out it was Nessie’s) -Apparently it has more reach than a JCB low loader AND costs less than a Loungefly bag.
Jo has been at work all day studying Health And Safety at Work standards and is going to help Brum in her meeting with her amazing new boss on Thursday (mainly to make sure there are no knives within throwing distance)
Cat has also been making some Yarn Cake which excited Mike no end . We’re just waiting for the recipe, due to be published shortly.
Adele continues to be super awesome at juggling. (You expected me to add ‘her day job with her fantastic soap-making enterprise’ there didn’t you? but no, she’s actually super awesome at juggling. Today it was peas.
At the time of writing, Swearah is nudging ahead with the competition, being three carrots (#possiblypeas) in front of the nearest challenger. The competition runs until Friday 9th March 2018, so still plenty of time to get your tweets in!
Swearah began the day by being incredibly excited about finding a fresh pair of pants in the drier and thankfully avoided having a Pilates-related accident as she celebrated.
Vicki flew in to tell us that she now has to find a new place to sleep as her flat is now a shrine to Loungefly.
Jo was a little downhearted about having to spend yet another day with just her daughter for company, and having had Dustin Hoffman and the Outbreak Emergency Team turn up at the park made an exciting turn for the worse, but the day was brightened by the allure of non existent camels at the fair. The non existent camels turned out to be entirely accurate non existent camels and now no one is allowed to say camels
Anne has been busy counting grass with her friend down at the allotment – she’s currently on 945, 456, so please, no one distract her.
Mike and Cat have been baking Cakes and swapping recipes. It’s all Greek to me.
Brum has had to make 2300 covers at Sunday lunch today and her new boss is a turnip, There is to be a turnip carving session in the kitchen on Thursday.
Cat, Adele and Swearah have been giving Lee some amazing ideas for a new book outlining the benefits of being a male in a Hormonal Feminist Craft Workshop and has a meeting with a publisher next tuesday
Darren has won Website of the Day, for the best Helpful Hints Review Site with an Orange and black logo and Ness has completed the sponsored coffee drink, consuming an amazing 543 litres in just under 10 hours, Please visit her JustGiveIn page to donate.