The morning started healthily with a cake-inspired breakfast which was essentially 5 packets of cereal in a bucket of molten chocolate. It would have made a great cake, had Mike actually let it set before eating it all.
Tales of childhood injuries and Dentist phobias were soon forgotten as the ever-surprising Jo announced that she had just finished coding a brand new immersive MMRP universe and invited everyone to a massive Minion role-playing session under the guise of yet another world domination enterprise. A few hours talking gibberish whilst running around and giggling at each other seemed like a welcome break from the monotony of boring Group Cake chat. Cat was bouncing and began planning her day around it. Ness was sceptical until it was pointed out that gin would be provided and immediately put all the chickens to bed. Lee got really excited about the prospect of getting his dungarees out (Not a euphemism) and quickly deactivated his Snifllr.com account and Swearah rearranged her busy reschedule to accommodate.
Amazon have just sent Vicki a message to tell her there was a problem with her wish list and that Jared Leto was currently on back order, not available until late September. At least this has given her boyfriend a few extra months to construct the Shelf. Unrelated, Loungefly have reported a record month in sales, mainly centred around the Essex area.
In Pilates news, Swearah today strained her eyebrow attempting to hoik her leggings up on one leg, having now returned from Argyll (Lonn gave her an extra charge for her bike and Mike gave her a push start). She’s currently in A&E (Pilates section) attempting to explain her latest injury.
Brum has gone AWOL again after briefly making a welcome appearance last night, but reports are in that she’s in collaboration with Anne to make a marbled bacon sandwich to display at the National Museum of Modern Breakfast in Hartlepool.
Hanna has been very busy crocheting a brand new wearable. This innovative new range is actually a cardigan that you can wear as you make. A few teething problems involving two extra arms following the excitement of an endless ball of hand dyed yarn from Cat has now been solved, and the pattern is now with Lee to test. This wouldn’t be a problem if a) He knew how to crochet, and b) if he hadn’t superglued it to the dog.
Adele is currently unable to move due to the sheer weight of boxed orders due out the door, but Darren has offered services and is heading down in his Astra estate to help. Or he would be had he not broken down in Torquay.
Sports News Update: Ness has now revealed her intention to compete in the Inverness Highland Games, due to be held at The Ness Sea Estate in August. Jyoti and Clair have also announced their intention to not participate.
This news is fully accurate and up to date as of Friday 6 May 14:55…
Today on Cake Club:
First rule: don’t talk about Cake Club, unless you want Mike to eat it all…
Cat and Anne began the day discussing yet another of Cat’s evil genius plans to subvert the government, this time from within the Alpaca Farm Cafe, where under the guise of Head Finger Slicer, she plans to take over the world using adult crochet and craft classes. Anne has been drafted in as Head of Leather Marbling.
Vicki meanwhile, having spent the last two weeks arguing with the Service Department of the dealership in Southend, is now keeping The CEO of Fiat UK locked in her dungeon until they promise not to use sellotape to fix her car’s door handle this time. He is currently being taught how to make soap out of floor scrapings by Dean. Rumour has it, the car issue will be fixed by teatime.
Adele has completely rebranded all her wax melts following an awesome brainstorming session with the Cakies. Darren’s offer of help was politely declined following his suggestions of Slippy Savage, Saucy Savage, Sassy Savage and Stew Savage (Don’t ask me). The rebrand is due to take place as soon as she wakes up from her fragrance oil coma.
Hanna has been approached by Dragon’s den to consult for the next series, on the back of her magnificent first calendar quarter and is in negotiations with the UK team of Spotify to get her shop working again, following a spelling error.
Jo, 33 from Oxford, has decided to take a break from painting succulents and has gone looking for Brum, 38, er, from Brum… currently last seen cooking 6000 sunday roasts…
Swearah, having inexplicably stabbed herself in the bum, trying desperately not to suffocate under the weight of her boobs (Pilates should really come with a government health warning) is now on her way to Argyll in a bid to break the monotony of procrastination having decided to go for an inspirational visit to Lonn. At the time of writing she was just south of Callendar, her electric bike having run out of battery (you couslnrn make it up) Luckily she took her emergency cross stitch with her, and is now very cross, stitching…
In Sports News, Nessie isn’t running the Inverness Half Marathon this year, she has instead opted to not take part in the Loch Ness Triathlon. At the time of writing, Ness was unavailable for comment on this unprecedented decision. Fellow admins, Clair and Jyoti have also not signed up for the triathlon. More news on this as it comes in…
In breaking news, Vicki features again, crossing worlds into scale model crochet…got to hand it to her…
This morning started with Mike taking an early morning swim in the icy waters of Loch Long, watched on by Lonn, still recovering from the news of Arthur.
Cat declined to join, instead pulling Hanna temporarily away from her plan of World Crochet domination with Vicki, to negotiate World knitting domination. They are currently conspiring to empty Cygnet’s entire stock of Frosty Blue.
Anne also declined the dip, preferring to sip cocktails under a blanket instead.
Hanna, meanwhile can’t be arsed to finish her cardigan and is now marketing it as a vest top – and rather fetching it is too, if lacking a certain something in the sleeves department.
In unnessary exercise news, Swearah nearly suffocated herself in a mammary containment episode where her sports bra gave way during the “lying down, but making it look like you’re doing something” position in her Private Pilots class.
In trying to determine who actually ran the #UKGiftAM hashtag to shout at them for not retweeting, Darren found himself the unwitting new host of the now twice weekly #UKGuffHour which promises to put the wind up the Small Biz and Craft World.
Cat has had a bit of a disastrous day having to send back the three bags of Yarm (Yeah I don’t know either – why would you get a North Eastern Town mixed up with a knitting medium) sent in error. To cheer her up, Sarah Number 1, sent her a penguin in cake.
No one has heard from Jo or Sarah, so we can only assume they are photographing pants. I for one am imagining Cacti and French Bull terriers…
In Soap News, Adele has spent her entire annual marketing budget on paying Lee to consult on which colour she should choose. Lee has now retired and is spending his new spare time on a Journalism course.
Following a lengthy Zoom meeting (no screen) with Swearah, Ness spent the rest of the day collating information for the first team motivational Teams Call with Cake. That isn’t the group chat, she’s just eating cake.
Today in Cake News:
Swearah went to get a new hearing aid this morning, has ended up with a fishing rod and a sea fishing licence… Apparently they thought she said Herring Aid…
Hanna and Vicki no longer fit into their lockdown Jeans, so have complained to the clothing retail consortium for mis-sizing clothes…
Anne went to the Steampunk festival in Thirsk, but realised she was both a) in the wrong week and b) in the wrong town…
Cat has gone on a new record 100km cycle ride. She’s now in Weston Super Mare, waiting for Darren to come and pick her up.
Adele has advertised open auditions to film for her new advertising campaign and has been inundated with floods of TikTok celebrities (Alright it was a trickle – Hanna said she’d do it if she got a free hairdo and Lee settled for a box of unsold Happy Savage)
Ness has emptied the Inverness Tesco of gin and is frantically practicing for #ginhour and Mike has not mentioned cake once. We’ve sent a carrier pigeon up to Marie to see if he’s ok..
And finally, Hanna has rewritten Frozen and has submitted it to Pixar….
Today’s Guest post comes from Lonn, the fire breathing Lamppost
First of all, I’d like to thank Lee for letting me write this post today – it’s not often I get to do this sort of thing…
So, I’m writing this from the shores of Loch Long on the beautiful Argyll Coast. Yesterday, I was keeping watch for French submarines bringing cake to the hungry locals, when I felt a disturbance in the Electricity Grid – as if a single lamppost had cried out in pain.
Turns out it had, and Eileen, a great, great friend of mine had been knocked over in her Essex home by an unnamed pink haired lady returning from the school run.
Having been left seemingly fatally wounded, a team of experts was despatched from MHHSBD headquarters and after a lengthy operation (involving an angle grinder and some gaffer tape), Eileen is now Arthur.
Arthur now stands waiting, half the woman he used to be, just waiting…
As for the rest of Group Cake – how should I know – I’m a fucking lamppost – I can’t even type! …
Today in Cake Club: Brum has not been seen since a client spotted a typo in an old advert and had to run
a craft Pilates course in her living room, Hanna has started singing Folk songs to supplement her income
(or that’s what it sounded like.
Vicki broke a lamp post coming back from the school run, but has enlisted
Lonn to come and fix it. Mike has agreed the transport costs (3 Victoria Sponges and a packet of Hob
Nobs) and next Thursday has been pencilled in.
Meanwhile in Bristol, Cat arrived at the police station without her notebook and has no idea which cell
she should have been in and ended up locked in with Barry, a Middle-aged gentleman from Lewisham
incarcerated for impersonating a bicycle.
Swearah got into a fight with Elon Musk over a packet of crumpets and Darren inadvertently reignited a
war between Donald Trump and Alan Sugar over the Golf Course of the Year awards…
In a Mandela moment, everyone was convinced Crazy French Politician Marie Le Hen was already an
MHHSBD member until Darren pointed out we were getting her confused with Jack Monroe…
Jo, having lost her keys was last seen shinning up the drainpipe at the back of the house shouting
something something obscene in Hungarian…(she doesn’t even speak Hungarian…)
In late, breaking news, Hanna, in a total dereliction of will-power has eaten her children’s roast chicken
and now has to feed them Chicken dippers and alphabetti spaghetti
Then Vicki had a fight with her son’s teacher after Jo gave her some sound advice. Darren is currently
driving down to Essex nick to bail her out after a whip round in group Kindness…
In light of half the group’s intent to add another income stream, both Brum and Jo completely cleaned out Primark of their entire stock of discount thongs…
Vicki thought she’d go down the route of ordering via Ali Express, but due to a typo has now ended up with a pallet of 1500 things. Dean took a look but he has no idea what they are either.
Mike and Darren fared no better and have ended up with 3500 pairs of Primary Granny Knickers (due to Sarah and Jo’s purchases, they were sent as a replacement.)
Cat, wanting in on the action is now selling match worn cycling shirts on Facebook.
Hanna has seemingly lost her kids, which is just as well as she’s now pattern testing 20 different cardigan designs for random Karens on the internet.
Jo also features again as she attempts to hitchhike to Bristol to get Cat to sign her Driving Licence. Luckily she has a box full of thongs to flag down unwitting motorists with…
Anne was last seen shaking her head at all this nonsense and is busy setting up mrblr.com…