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Pilates of the Carribean (Durham Edition)

Pilates of the Carribean (Durham Edition)

Cat woke up this morning and hissed at her reflection, causing Anne to glance up from her cup of coffee in surprise. The hissy French sophisticat muttered something about CCTV and then went off to post about the launch of her new Citrus Owl pattern.

Shaking her head in bemusement, Anne finished her coffee, wished her fellow cakies a pleasant day and went off to proof read a new novel set in 2020s England about a handsome young University and his romance with a coping stone.

Jo late for a horrendous day at work, cursing the bus to hell and back has bought 15 old Routemasters from ebay and is busy setting up her own bus company. Interested applicants for a variety of new positions can apply via her website…

Jyoti tried to persuade the yarnies in the group to make a pair of woolen pants for someone, but she was a little vague about the intended recipient…

Swearah with all the motivation of a wind up car left unwound for three years, stuffed to the bottom of the toybox, was determined this week, not to injure herself at Pilates, and found the best way (apart from not going) was to strap herself down with bandages and climb into a full lycra body suit. The only problem then was the lack of movement and she had to be carried through the door like some bizarre brightly coloured starfish… but the promise of a new position as Second Whip at Vicki’s Dungeon™, having turned down the allure of Swing Pushes and Jam Roly Poly, kept the motivation going.

Its been a day for business enterprise with Mike, inspired by Lonn, setting up a lamp post cleaning service. Having realised that lamp posts essentially get washed by the rain, he’s now just sitting back watching the money roll in. Or at least that’s the plan. So far, only Essex Eileen has signed up…

Melly has also submitted plans for a set of giant turbines just off the coast of Rosslare, to blow the rain clouds back to England and keep the blue skies of the Emerald Isle pristine. This comes off the back of the failed “Roof over Eire” plan. A lack of long ladders and a scaffolding plank shortage at McMahons’ Builders Merchants put paid to that one…

Brum has gone missing #possiblypeas and our forts and prairies are with her.

In more Vicki’s Dungeon™ news – sounds of hammering and strange grinding noises have been attibuted to plans to extend. Crochoap® development has been put on hold as Dean, Darren and Mike have been on hand to work on knocking through to next door’s basement to accommodate an extra 4 dungeons. Vicki assures us the water leak is temporary and has, for the time-being, been plugged by 300 skeins of unused yarn.

Sports News now: Nessie has been approached by the All Ireland Hurling Team to be their official Sea Glass Supplier. Ness has yet to respond, having been involved with a week-long Sea Glass stock take…she got up to 899 pieces of green, 976 pieces of clear, 37 blue, 765 no idea and then sneezed, dropped the lot and had to start again.

Adele has been growing a new range of green bath bombs. She currently has 15 seedlings in her mobile greenhouse. Can’t wait to see how they turn out.

SarahX has been out and about today, shouting at people in Welsh and moaning about the lack of Friday.

All gone tits up

All gone tits up

This morning started with Mike taking an early morning swim in the icy waters of Loch Long, watched on by Lonn, still recovering from the news of Arthur.

Cat declined to join, instead pulling Hanna temporarily away from her plan of World Crochet domination with Vicki, to negotiate World knitting domination. They are currently conspiring to empty Cygnet’s entire stock of Frosty Blue.

Anne also declined the dip, preferring to sip cocktails under a blanket instead.

Hanna, meanwhile can’t be arsed to finish her cardigan and is now marketing it as a vest top – and rather fetching it is too, if lacking a certain something in the sleeves department.

In unnessary exercise news, Swearah nearly suffocated herself in a mammary containment episode where her sports bra gave way during the “lying down, but making it look like you’re doing something” position in her Private Pilots class.

In trying to determine who actually ran the #UKGiftAM hashtag to shout at them for not retweeting, Darren found himself the unwitting new host of the now twice weekly #UKGuffHour which promises to put the wind up the Small Biz and Craft World.

Cat has had a bit of a disastrous day having to send back the three bags of Yarm (Yeah I don’t know either – why would you get a North Eastern Town mixed up with a knitting medium) sent in error. To cheer her up, Sarah Number 1, sent her a penguin in cake.

No one has heard from Jo or Sarah, so we can only assume they are photographing pants. I for one am imagining Cacti and French Bull terriers…

In Soap News, Adele has spent her entire annual marketing budget on paying Lee to consult on which colour she should choose. Lee has now retired and is spending his new spare time on a Journalism course.

Following a lengthy Zoom meeting (no screen) with Swearah, Ness spent the rest of the day collating information for the first team motivational Teams Call with Cake. That isn’t the group chat, she’s just eating cake.

A fishy tail

A fishy tail

Today in Cake News:

Swearah went to get a new hearing aid this morning, has ended up with a fishing rod and a sea fishing licence… Apparently they thought she said Herring Aid…

Hanna and Vicki no longer fit into their lockdown Jeans, so have complained to the clothing retail consortium for mis-sizing clothes…

Anne went to the Steampunk festival in Thirsk, but realised she was both a) in the wrong week and b) in the wrong town…

Cat has gone on a new record 100km cycle ride. She’s now in Weston Super Mare, waiting for Darren to come and pick her up.

Adele has advertised open auditions to film for her new advertising campaign and has been inundated with floods of TikTok celebrities (Alright it was a trickle – Hanna said she’d do it if she got a free hairdo and Lee settled for a box of unsold Happy Savage)

Ness has emptied the Inverness Tesco of gin and is frantically practicing for #ginhour and Mike has not mentioned cake once. We’ve sent a carrier pigeon up to Marie to see if he’s ok..

And finally, Hanna has rewritten Frozen and has submitted it to Pixar….

Come on Eileen

Come on Eileen

Today in Cake Club: Brum has not been seen since a client spotted a typo in an old advert and had to run
a craft Pilates course in her living room, Hanna has started singing Folk songs to supplement her income
(or that’s what it sounded like.

Vicki broke a lamp post coming back from the school run, but has enlisted
Lonn to come and fix it. Mike has agreed the transport costs (3 Victoria Sponges and a packet of Hob
Nobs) and next Thursday has been pencilled in.


Meanwhile in Bristol, Cat arrived at the police station without her notebook and has no idea which cell
she should have been in and ended up locked in with Barry, a Middle-aged gentleman from Lewisham
incarcerated for impersonating a bicycle.


Swearah got into a fight with Elon Musk over a packet of crumpets and Darren inadvertently reignited a
war between Donald Trump and Alan Sugar over the Golf Course of the Year awards…


In a Mandela moment, everyone was convinced Crazy French Politician Marie Le Hen was already an
MHHSBD member until Darren pointed out we were getting her confused with Jack Monroe…


Jo, having lost her keys was last seen shinning up the drainpipe at the back of the house shouting
something something obscene in Hungarian…(she doesn’t even speak Hungarian…)


In late, breaking news, Hanna, in a total dereliction of will-power has eaten her children’s roast chicken
and now has to feed them Chicken dippers and alphabetti spaghetti


Then Vicki had a fight with her son’s teacher after Jo gave her some sound advice. Darren is currently
driving down to Essex nick to bail her out after a whip round in group Kindness…