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Today on Cake Club:

First rule: don’t talk about Cake Club, unless you want Mike to eat it all…

Cat and Anne began the day discussing yet another of Cat’s evil genius plans to subvert the government, this time from within the Alpaca Farm Cafe, where under the guise of Head Finger Slicer, she plans to take over the world using adult crochet and craft classes. Anne has been drafted in as Head of Leather Marbling.

Vicki meanwhile, having spent the last two weeks arguing with the Service Department of the dealership in Southend, is now keeping The CEO of Fiat UK locked in her dungeon until they promise not to use sellotape to fix her car’s door handle this time. He is currently being taught how to make soap out of floor scrapings by Dean. Rumour has it, the car issue will be fixed by teatime.

Adele has completely rebranded all her wax melts following an awesome brainstorming session with the Cakies. Darren’s offer of help was politely declined following his suggestions of Slippy Savage, Saucy Savage, Sassy Savage and Stew Savage (Don’t ask me). The rebrand is due to take place as soon as she wakes up from her fragrance oil coma.

Hanna has been approached by Dragon’s den to consult for the next series, on the back of her magnificent first calendar quarter and is in negotiations with the UK team of Spotify to get her shop working again, following a spelling error.

Jo, 33 from Oxford, has decided to take a break from painting succulents and has gone looking for Brum, 38, er, from Brum… currently last seen cooking 6000 sunday roasts…

Swearah, having inexplicably stabbed herself in the bum, trying desperately not to suffocate under the weight of her boobs (Pilates should really come with a government health warning) is now on her way to Argyll in a bid to break the monotony of procrastination having decided to go for an inspirational visit to Lonn. At the time of writing she was just south of Callendar, her electric bike having run out of battery (you couslnrn make it up) Luckily she took her emergency cross stitch with her, and is now very cross, stitching…

In Sports News, Nessie isn’t running the Inverness Half Marathon this year, she has instead opted to not take part in the Loch Ness Triathlon. At the time of writing, Ness was unavailable for comment on this unprecedented decision. Fellow admins, Clair and Jyoti have also not signed up for the triathlon. More news on this as it comes in…

In breaking news, Vicki features again, crossing worlds into scale model crochet…got to hand it to her…